Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling confused, off-balance, or doubting yourself? That’s not love and connection, it could be covert control at work. September is both Suicide Prevention Month and Self-Care Awareness Month, and in my experience, the two are deeply connected.

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I know now that my mental health was being hijacked by predators who used covert control and trauma bonding to keep me small, silent, and spinning. A trauma bond is what happens when abuse gets tied to affection in an endless loop, love mixed with fear, tenderness laced with cruelty. It’s why so many of us stay long after we know something isn’t right: because our nervous system has been trained to confuse chaos with love.

The more I cleared those relationships out of my life, the more I came back to myself.

If you’ve ever wondered why you feel “off” around someone, or left a conversation doubting yourself, this may be why. Trauma bonds don’t begin with obvious abuse. They start with subtle grooming tactics, strategies that hook your empathy and weaken your boundaries before you even realize what’s happening.

Here are three tactics I personally experienced (sometimes all within the first date), and how to recognize them for what they are.

Grooming Tactic #1: Word Salad

I was once sitting in a man’s car after a date, and he spent ten minutes talking in circles about skiing. He started with: “Yes, I’d love to go skiing with you.” Then he backtracked: “Actually, I don’t even know where my ski equipment is.” Then contradicted himself again: “But yes, I’d love to go… although I already promised my friends I’d snowboard instead.”

By the end of one single sentence, I was left confused, asking myself: Does he want to go? Does he not? What’s happening here?

That’s word salad. It’s confusing on purpose. It plants mental hooks so you’re left thinking about them even after the date ends. And it leaves you doubting your own clarity.

Has this happened to you? If you find yourself walking away from a conversation more confused than connected, you may be dealing with someone who is attempting to groom you for a trauma bond.

Grooming Tactic #2: Trauma Dumping

Within the first 15 minutes of meeting this same man, he shared one of the most traumatic stories from his childhood. I remember feeling my empathy rise up: I reached over, touched his shoulder, and thought, “I’ll be the one to show him he’s safe.”

But as he spoke, I noticed the way he was watching me, almost like he was observing my reaction. That’s when I realized it wasn’t about connection. It was about testing my boundaries.

Trauma dumping early on isn’t vulnerability. It’s a tactic to rush intimacy, to see if you’ll abandon yourself to caretake them.

Have you ever felt pulled into someone’s pain too quickly? If you find yourself rushing to nurture or comfort someone you barely know, it may be a sign they are using trauma dumping to groom you for control.

Grooming Tactic #3: Alligator Tears

On that same date, minutes after the trauma dump, he started crying about his nephew. Big, dramatic tears. My gut whispered, “This doesn’t match.” And I was right — because in the two years I knew him, he never mentioned that nephew again.

That’s the thing about alligator tears: they feel like a performance. Real emotion brings connection. Performative emotion leaves you uneasy.

Have you ever watched someone’s tears and thought, “This feels off”? If your body senses that the emotion doesn’t match the moment, trust that instinct — it could be a manipulation tactic.

Anchors to Stay in Your Power

These tactics are designed to confuse, hook, and test you. But you don’t have to play the game. You are not powerless, you are sovereign. The moment you sense something is off, you can ground yourself in these truths:

1. Watch What They Do, Not What They Say

Words can dazzle, charm, and distract. But actions never lie. When someone shows you who they are through inconsistent  consisten behavior, believe that more than any apology, excuse, or promise.

Manipulators will often come back with flowery words after a rupture: “I’ll change,” “You misunderstood,” or “I didn’t mean it that way.” But if their actions don’t line up with those words, that’s your clarity.

Watch What They Do, Not What They Say → Abusers Hide in Words

Empowering reminder: You don’t need to over-explain, justify, or give unlimited second chances. One clear look at their actions will tell you everything you need to know.

Manipulators will drown you in apologies, promises, and explanations. But their actions will always tell the truth.

If he says, “I’ll change,” but nothing actually changes — that’s not love.
If he disappears for days after a perfect date — that’s not devotion, it’s a control tactic.

Key insight: Real love shows up. Consistently. Empty words are a weapon of control.

Question to ask yourself: Do I want to stay in confusion and ambiguous situations that keep me guessing and ungrounded? Is that what love and respect feel like to me?

2. Trust Your Body’s Wisdom

Your body will always tell the truth before your mind catches up. That pit in your stomach, the sudden sweat, the prickles on your skin, they’re not “overreactions.” They’re warnings.

• If you feel tense or off every time you’re with him, your body is waving a red flag.
• If you constantly have to convince yourself you’re fine, you’re not fine.

Key insight: Confusion in your mind is often clarity in your body.

Question to ask yourself: What is my body telling me right now — and am I willing to listen instead of override it?

3. Don’t Make Excuses for Them

Abusers rely on your empathy. They’ll lean on their trauma, their pain, their struggles — anything to keep you from holding them accountable.

• If you keep saying, “He’s just going through a lot,” while you’re the one suffering, that’s not partnership.
• If his story always takes center stage while your needs are sidelined, you’ve abandoned yourself for him.

Key insight: Two things can be true, his pain may be real, and he may still be harming you. His wounds are not your responsibility.

Question to ask yourself: Am I excusing behavior that is hurting me because I feel sorry for him? What would it look like to stop carrying his pain and start protecting mine?

Takeaway

Predators thrive on confusion. But your body, your clarity, and your self-respect are stronger than their tactics. Your empathy is not the problem, it is a gift, don’t lose it or lock it away, but you can use more discernment. Their manipulation is the problem, not you.

Let’s Go Deeper: Listen in to Podcast Episode: Your Gut Never Lies: How to Catch Covert Control Before It Hooks You

Make sure to check our more on this topic for deeper guidance, listen to this episode of the She Saves Herself Podcast

This week on the She Saves Herself podcast, I’m sharing:

• The #1 way master manipulators confuse you to keep you hooked
• How predators fast-track false intimacy (and why it feels so real at first)
• The manipulative performance tactic that looks like vulnerability — but isn’t
• The hidden reason you feel “crazy” or off-balance after certain conversations
• The 3 anchors that break the cycle and bring you back into your power

👉 If you’re ready to feel safe, seen, and self-led again… this episode is for you.

Listen to Podcast Episode:

Spotify | Apple | Download