Have you ever loved someone who couldn’t see they were being hurt by another, and no matter what you said, it only pushed them further away?
Or maybe you’ve been on the other side, falling for someone your family or friends don’t approve of, and when they tell you they don’t like them, you just feel more judged and unsupported. That pain of disconnection, when you love someone who is hurting or you are in love with someone who is hurting you is one of the most misunderstood emotional experiences we go through.
Culturally, we’re living in a time where being obsessed with “healing” and “boundaries,” is mainstream, yet so many of us still confuse helping with fixing, and fixing with love.
These days, the only drama I allow in my life is on Netflix—and Selling Sunset never disappoints. But beneath the luxury listings and reality-TV tension, the most recent reunion revealed something universal:
that painful moment when care turns into control, and protection turns into judgment.
Watching Season 9 of Selling Sunset, the Netflix reality show I saw this same dynamic play out, especially in the reunion episode. If you binge-watched the #2 show on Netflix this week, you probably saw what looked like typical reality-TV tension between friends Emma Hernan and Chrishell Stause. But it revealed something much deeper that almost all of us go through: that painful confusion that happens when love and protection start to blur, whether through friends or lovers.
It reminded me of a past relationship, the kind of love that felt like home until I realized it was anything but safe. My friends meant well, but the more they tried to “help,” the more isolated I felt.
Their concern landed like criticism. Their silence felt like abandonment.
What I needed wasn’t saving, it was safety to not be judged and just be with me while I went through it.
Research shows that millions of people remain in emotionally abusive or trauma-bonded relationships every year, and the toll it takes on their mental health and friendships is enormous.
In the reunion, Chrishell Stause said something that captured this dynamic perfectly:
“In my life, I’ve had to deal with people that keep putting themselves in positions where they’re addicted to something or whatever, and for whatever reason, they keep putting themselves back in a position to be hurt by the thing that is hurting them. I have to take a step back because I can no longer enable somebody or watch them hurt themselves. I have to love you from afar.”
That line struck me, because it’s what so many of us feel but don’t know how to share.
For Whatever Reason…
Why We Keep Going Back to What Hurt Us?
Whether you’re the friend trying to help a loved one in a toxic connection or your the one being “helped,” and keep going back to a situation that hurts you but you hope it will change and there is great love there, both sides are aching for the same thing: safety, not shame.
If you’ve lost friends because of your relationship choices you know how betrayed you can feel. And if you care for someone who keeps returning to a person who you think isn’t good for them, you know how helpless it can feel, today we unpack both in the new episode of She Saves Herself Podcast. We explore this emotional crossroads, through my personal story, trauma-informed insight, and that unforgettable moment from Selling Sunset.
In this episode you’ll get clear, practical insight on:
- How to support a friend trapped in a toxic relationships and how to stop feeling judged when you’re hurting.
- Why some relationships feel impossible to leave, even when you know they’re unhealthy.
- How to tell the difference between real love and love bombing.
- How childhood neglect can impact our adult relationships and stay stuck in fantasy future fake situations
- The subtle ways shame keeps us stuck in cycles of hurt and hope.
- How your body can mistake intensity for intimacy, and how to teach it safety.
- How to hold space for someone you love without losing your own peace.
- Why people who haven’t lived a trauma bond often can’t understand those who have.
- How to shift from control to compassion when you want to help but don’t know how.
- What it means to choose love that feels calm instead of chaotic.
- Why healthy love never requires self-betrayal.
The Psychology Behind the Push-Pull
More than one in three adults will experience emotional or psychological abuse in their lifetime, according to the CDC. But what we rarely talk about is how those relationships rewire the nervous system.
When you’ve been conditioned through childhood neglect, rejection, or conditional love, your body learns to equate intensity with intimacy. The chaos feels familiar and when a person withdrawals it feels like punishment sure but it also feels familiar. If you grew up with inconsistency this feels just like home. The reunion feels like relief. But that’s the push-pull cycle is biology and inner child wounding, so you can’t reason with it with logic.
People in trauma-bonded relationships aren’t “choosing pain.” Their nervous system is replaying a script it learned long before this partner ever showed up. To them, the volatility feels like love finally fighting for them.
Meanwhile, the people on the outside who are in these types of connections, when friends, family, come at you, they don’t know why you stay or can’t understand why you don’t listen to them. So they try to fix it. But it feels like they are trying to fix you. They issue warnings. They pull away in frustration.
But here’s the paradox: their attempt to “help” often mirrors the same emotional pattern that caused the wound in the first place, conditional love.
Reality TV and popular shows entertain us sure, but they also reflect and reinforce our collective misunderstandings of emotional abuse. By looking critically, we can learn to recognize patterns, support ourselves and others, and reclaim healthier relational narratives.
What we truly need:
When we stop trying to control someone’s healing, we make room for real connection.
We don’t want or need to help others by trying to convincing someone to leave, it’s about helping them feel safe enough to see clearly.
Whether you’ve been the friend trying to help someone you care about…
or the one in the relationship feeling misunderstood, shamed, or abandoned—
this episode will meet you in the messy middle where both stories collide.
In this powerful solo episode, Shannon explores what the Netflx show Selling Sunset can teach us about the fine line between helping and hurting when someone you love is stuck in a toxic dynamic. Through trauma-informed insight, cultural reflection, and lived experience, she unpacks how love, fear, and self-respect intertwine, and what it really means to support others without losing yourself.
🎙️ Listen Here
“When Helping Hurts: Lessons in Love From Netflix’s Selling Sunset.”
For anyone tired of mistaking intensity for intimacy.
YOU ARE WORTH INVESTING IN YOU: If you want to come home to yourself and discover radical self-love explore 1:1 Embodied Mentorships with Shannon Kaiser here.
DISCLAIMER: This post references the Netflix series Selling Sunset under the Fair Use Act (17 U.S.C. §107) for educational and commentary purposes. All discussion is trauma-informed and intended to explore universal relationship patterns — not to criticize, diagnose, or defame any individual or entity. The views expressed are solely my own and are not affiliated with Netflix or the individuals mentioned. This content is offered for emotional education and empowerment, not entertainment or gossip.
SOURCES:
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Emotional abuse. APA.
https://www.apa.org/topics/violence/emotional-abuse
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (n.d.). Domestic violence statistics. NCADV.
https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS
National Library of Medicine. (2020). The dynamics of trauma bonding: Understanding attachment in abusive relationships. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32743873/
Women’s Aid. (n.d.). What is domestic abuse?. Women’s Aid.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Gottman.com. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
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