Most of us choose relationships, (romantic, professional, social) looking for some version of reciprocity. We all crave connection and mutual respect. Even when we’re getting to know someone new, we might be a little cautious, there’s often an unspoken assumption that the other people are oriented toward relationship growth in the same way.

But not everyone is coming from the same place. In fact some people are not seeking connection at all, though they may make it look like they are. These are the “wolves in sheep’s clothing” people who are exploitative or predatory in nature and primarily motivated by control.

They don’t value connection. They weaponize your kindness, and the tend to see people as objects and resources to exploit.

In the first few minutes of meeting someone, a lot more is happening than we realize. While most people are looking for connection, some are testing for control. The important thing to realize is they use manipulation and will test you though behavior cues, to gain access to you and see how extractable you are. Within the first few minutes of meeting you, they’ve already run a series of tests to see whether you’re a good target to continue pursuing.

So what kind of people aim to take advantage of others?

In psychology, the term Dark Triad refers to a cluster of personality traits often seen in exploitative or predatory behavior:

Narcissistic (entitled, lacks empathy, needs control and admiration)

Psychopathic or antisocial (disregards others’ safety or autonomy, little remorse)

Machiavellian (strategically manipulative, calculated, and willing to deceive to get what they want).

While not all people with Dark Triad traits are inherently predatory or dangerous, these traits do increase the likelihood of exploitative behavior—and people without Dark Triad traits can still act in predatory ways. What matters is the pattern of exploitation and boundary violation, not whether someone fits a specific personality type.

Unfortunately, I’ve been involved with several people who were predatory—who targeted me to exploit, harm, and use for their own selfish agenda. Looking back, what’s striking is that in every one of those relationships, within the first few minutes of meeting them, they were already running tests on me. At the time, I didn’t know that’s what was happening. But as a trauma-informed expert in human behavior, I can share the tests exploitative, abusive, and predatory people use to assess whether you’re a valuable target to them or not.

Predatory people don’t stay because they’re attracted to someone in the way most of us think about attraction. They don’t choose people based on chemistry or connection. They target people based on extractive potential—who seems easiest to take from, who offers the most access with the least resistance, and where they can gain the most with the fewest consequences.

Predators don’t choose based on attraction—they choose based on what they can extract.

Many of us are conditioned from a young age to be agreeable, emotionally attuned, and accommodating—sometimes at the expense of our own inner signals. We learn to explain instead of enforce, to soften boundaries to stay likable, and we pride ourselves on taking responsibility for keeping interactions comfortable even when something feels off. Exploitative people scan for exactly these traits.

They’re get involved with people who seem emotional open and available (kind, empathic), who doesn’t have strong boundaries, who is agreeable, and who is unlikely to create consequences.

This is why discernment, boundaries, and self-trust are essential skills in any relationship. You can be kind and have boundaries. You can be warm without over-giving or over-explaining. What matters most is learning to recognize who genuinely wants more for you, versus who is trying to take more from you.

I’ve put together a list of tests that exploitative people often run within the first few minutes of meeting you. These behaviors are calculated. In predatory individuals, they’re information-gathering moves designed to assess how much agency you’ll surrender in real time.

What matters most is how early they appear—and what happens you can do to protect yourself from being used and or abused.

The Early Tests That Reveal Intent

1. Standing too close or subtly blocking your movement

When someone you just met stands unusually close, leans in when it isn’t necessary, brushes against you “by accident,” or casually positions themselves between you and an exit, pay attention. These moments often happen quickly and can be easy to dismiss, especially if you don’t want to seem rude or make things awkward. What’s actually being tested and revealed is whether you instinctively adjust yourself to accommodate them, or whether you expect basic respect for your space.

How to protect yourself: Step back or reposition without explaining, then pause and observe. Someone safe will immediately adjust; someone testing for control will expect you to keep accommodating, that response is your information.

2. Skipping pacing with personal questions

When someone skips pacing and jumps straight into personal questions, asking where you live, whether you’re alone, or what your routine looks like before any real rapport has been built—it’s not casual curiosity. It’s a way of mapping access and seeing how freely you offer personal information.

How to protect yourself Stay vague at first or redirect the conversation. You’re allowed to keep details private, and someone with good intentions won’t push for information you haven’t offered.

3. Trauma dumping before trust exists

When someone shares an intensely traumatic story very early on, before trust, history, or mutual exchange have been established, it can feel intimate or even bonding in the moment. But premature trauma sharing often functions as emotional leverage, testing whether intensity will override discernment and pull you into empathy, caretaking, or fast attachment

How to protect yourself: Respond with neutral acknowledgment rather than empathy or caretaking. Simple phrases like “That’s interesting,” or “How are you working through that?” signal that you value growth and accountability, two things exploitative people tend to avoid. You can also change the subject or gently name the pacing, saying something like, “That feels like a lot to share when we just met, what made you want to tell me that?” All of these responses keep appropriate distance without inviting emotional attachment.

4. Subtle victim positioning

When someone consistently positions themselves as the victim early on, framing themselves as misunderstood, mistreated, or unfairly judged by others, it’s worth slowing down. This kind of storytelling isn’t about sharing experience; it’s about shaping the narrative and seeing whether you’ll align with their version of events before you’ve had time to form your own impressions.

How to protect yourself:  The healthiest response is neutrality. You don’t need to agree, defend, or correct, just observe over time and let patterns, not stories, tell you what’s true.

5. Testing urgency

When someone introduces urgency early—pushing for quick decisions, fast plans, immediate availability, or accelerated intimacy—it’s rarely about enthusiasm alone. Urgency creates pressure, and pressure reduces discernment. What’s being tested is whether your internal pacing will collapse under that push.

How to protect yourself: The most protective response is to slow things down on purpose. Anyone with good intentions will respect your timing without trying to persuade you otherwise.

6. Money, status, or “opportunities” introduced early

When someone brings up money, status, business ideas, investments, or “opportunities” very early, before trust, rapport, or real relationship has formed, it’s a red flag worth paying attention to. Early financial intimacy isn’t about connection; it’s often a way of assessing leverage, curiosity, or rescue instincts. This pattern is especially common with con artists and opportunistic manipulators, and yes, it can be predatory in nature when it’s used to test what they can gain.

How to protect yourself: The most protective response is to stay uninterested and grounded. Healthy, safe people don’t rush financial conversations or tie access to worth.

7. Early triangulation

When someone brings up exes, rivals, powerful friends, enemies, or “crazy” others very early—before there’s been time to build rapport—it’s often a form of triangulation. This introduces comparison or instability into the interaction and quietly tests how you’ll orient: Will you compete, reassure, take sides, or seek approval? The healthiest response is not to engage at all.

How to protect yourself: Stay neutral, redirect the conversation, and notice whether they keep pulling other people into the dynamic.

8. Overriding a “No”

When you offer a no—“I’m busy,” “I’d rather not,” “I need to head out”—and the person responds by minimizing it, reframing it, or pushing anyway, pay attention. They might say something like, “It’ll just take a second,” “Don’t be like that,” or “You’re overthinking.” This isn’t about misunderstanding; it’s about testing whether your boundaries hold when they apply pressure. What’s being assessed here is elasticity: will your no stand on its own, or will it collapse if challenged?

How to protect yourself: The most protective response is to repeat your boundary once, clearly and without explanation—or to disengage entirely. Someone safe will adjust immediately. Someone unsafe will argue, negotiate, or escalate.

The Throughline

Recognize that none of these behaviors alone make someone unsafe. What matters is pattern and response. People with good intentions recalibrate quickly and those with exploitative intent push, minimize, pressure, or escalate. You don’t need to become suspicious or closed off but being connected to yourself, especially in moments when your body is already giving you information is key. And that matters even more during seasons like Valentine’s Day, when connection, intimacy, and vulnerability are front-of-mind.

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