Most people enter new relationships looking for chemistry and connection. But chemistry is not the same thing as character.

In a recent Afternoon Live segment, I shared something I’ve learned both personally and professionally: when someone is interested in power and control rather than connection, there are often subtle signs — and they show up quickly.cHere are some of the early patterns to pay attention to, in order to understand if someone’s intentions are pure, or deceptive.

Here are common psychological deception tactics used by exploiters, abusers, and dark triad personalities — why they do them, and how to respond in a way that protects your self-trust.

1. Physical Boundary Testing (Compliance Tests)

What it can look like:

• Standing too close
• Blocking a doorway or limiting your movement
• Touching without clear invitation
• Ignoring small cues (you stepping back, turning away, freezing)

Why an exploiter does this:
They’re testing compliance. If you override your discomfort to keep things “nice,” they learn you may be workable — someone whose boundaries can be negotiated down.

How to handle it:
Create space immediately. Step back. Move around them. Change seats. Name it if needed:

• “I need more space.”
• “Don’t stand in the doorway.”
• “Please don’t touch me.”
• If they act offended or punish you for a basic boundary, that reaction is information.

2. Skipping Pacing With Personal Questions

What it can look like:

• Overly intimate questions on first contact
• “Tell me your deepest wound” energy too soon
• Questions that gather personal data (family history, birthplace, specifics)

Why an exploiter does this:
Fast intimacy bypasses discernment. Abusers compress emotional pacing to create premature trust, so you bond before your nervous system has enough data.

How to handle it:
Slow the pace on purpose. You don’t have to answer. Try:

• “I share that kind of thing once I know someone better.”
• “Let’s keep it light right now.”
• Healthy people respect pacing. Exploiters pressure it.

3. Trauma Dumping Before Trust Exists

What it can look like:

• Sharing their most traumatic story within minutes
• Presenting themselves as deeply wounded and misunderstood
• Pulling you into caretaking before a foundation exists

Why an exploiter does this:
It activates empathy and creates obligation. If you feel responsible for their pain, you’re more likely to excuse harmful behavior, soften boundaries, or stay longer than you should.

How to handle it:
Respond with kindness and containment:

• “I’m sorry that happened. That sounds heavy.”
  Then reset pacing:
• “I move slowly with personal stories.”
• Pay attention to whether they respect the boundary — or escalate the emotion to hook you back in.

4. Subtle Victim Positioning (Blame Without Accountability)

What it can look like:

• Every ex is “crazy”
• Every boss is “toxic”
• Every conflict is someone else’s fault
• A pattern of grievance and innocence

Why an abuser does this:
It recruits you into a rescuer role and pre-frames future accountability avoidance. Dark triad personalities often weaponize victimhood to gain sympathy and moral high ground.

How to handle it:
Listen for accountability language. Ask neutral questions:

• “What did you learn from that?”
• “What would you do differently now?”
• If the answer is always blame, that’s a pattern — not a one-off story.

5. Manufactured Urgency

What it can look like:

• “I leave tomorrow—we only have tonight.”
• Pushing you to decide quickly
• Fast commitments, fast intimacy, fast exclusivity

Why an exploiter does this:
Urgency bypasses discernment. Pressure reduces your ability to notice inconsistencies. Speed is often a control tool.

How to handle it:
Slow it down out loud:

• “I don’t make decisions under pressure.”
• “If it’s real, it can wait.”
• If slowing down makes them irritated, cold, or punitive, that’s a signal you’re dealing with control—not connection.

6. Early Money, Status, or Opportunity Talk

What it can look like:

• Money problems mentioned early (“things are tight”)
• Asking what you make quickly
• Status signaling, power flexing, or future “opportunity” promises

Why an exploiter does this:
They’re mapping resources and testing leverage. Financial themes early can be grooming for later asks, dependence, or extraction.

How to handle it:
Keep finances private early. Redirect:

• “I don’t discuss income with someone I just met.”
  And watch their response. R
• espect looks like neutrality. Exploitation looks like pushback, charm pressure, or guilt.

7. Triangulation

What it can look like:

• Mentioning other people who want them
• Comparing you to an ex or “ideal” partner
• Creating subtle jealousy or competition

Why an abuser does this:
Triangulation destabilizes self-esteem and increases your desire to earn approval. Insecurity makes you easier to control.

How to handle it:
Don’t compete. Name the misalignment or disengage:

• “I’m not interested in dynamics that create competition.”
• “That doesn’t feel relevant to what we’re doing here.”
• Then watch whether they correct course—or double down.

The Deeper Pattern

Psychological deception works by creating:

• confusion
• obligation
• self-doubt
• urgency
• emotional dependency

Exploiters don’t need you to trust them fully, they just need you to doubt yourself just enough. That’s why the real protection isn’t becoming suspicious of everyone, but rather trusting yourself and using decrement.

It’s staying anchored in self-trust:

• your body’s cues
• your right to slow down
• your right to pause
• your right to hold boundaries without explaining them into the ground

Remember when in doubt, trust yourself.

For a deeper breakdown of these tactics and how to respond in real time, listen to the full episode on the HERE:

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