There was a time I shared a home with a partner who gradually began to control me—financially, mentally, and emotionally. Leaving was the only way I could reclaim my safety.
But when I opened up to people I trusted about why I had to walk away, their responses weren’t about my healing or well-being. Instead, I heard things like, “Well, at least it wasn’t physical,” or, “That’s not the version of him we know.” Some even chose to keep him in their social circles.
I didn’t know which felt worse: the disloyalty and emotional invalidation from people closest to me, or the complex post-traumatic stress (CPTSD) warping my self-image and worldview, created by someone I once trusted and gave my heart to. I couldn’t help but think, So this is what love is supposed to feel like.
With no physical evidence apparent, it seemed the logic was “out of sight, out of mind.” This is the big elephant that needs to be addressed; Not all wounds are visible, and we harm others by invalidating their experiences.
13 million people are currently suffering from PTSD in America, often leading to anxiety and depression. As someone who has now overcome clinical depression, anxiety, CPTSD, eating disorders, and substance abuse, I had no idea it was connected
I always assumed the problem was me.
For decades I experienced chronic overthinking. I felt taken advantage of, surrounded by people who wanted more from me but not the best for me.
Feeling depleted, ignored, undervalued, and unappreciated, I couldn’t understand why no matter how much I strived for peace and practiced conflict resolution, my relationships felt chaotic, one-sided, and fueled with drama. It wasn’t until my early forties that almost every romantic partner I’d experienced had taken a toll on my mind, body, and soul.
Suffering weight gain, complex migraines, and brain fog, I was bedridden for days, and then diagnosed with fibromyalgia, a chronic widespread muscle pain condition. It was then that I finally made the connection between my mental health and my degrading physical health.
Fibromyalgia is often caused by trauma(1), psychological stress, repressed emotions, PTSD and narcissistic abuse. It became clear that my interpersonal relationships were literally killing my body, mind, and soul.
I could no longer run from myself
I had to confront a difficult truth: the jarring realization that for me to exist in the world so far, I’d had to betray myself, to appease everyone around me. Somehow, I was had lived through serious psychological and emotional abuse, not just from romantic partners, but by bullies, users, and controlling people I thought were friends, family, and coworkers.
I realized my mental health was connected to my physical health and it was all directly tied to the company I surrounded myself with. My childhood emotional neglect groomed me into pacifying other’s needs. I was trained to be a good girl, to be nice, to be a people pleaser, which resulted in a wounded internal belief system that I was unimportant and my needs didn’t matter.
This attracted a lifetime of abusers.
Emotional abuse causes real damage to a person’s brain, affecting their emotional & physical health, as well as their social & cognitive development.
When a child’s basic emotional needs are not met, and they experience, neglect, emotional abuse, or abandonment, and care takers are insensitive to the child’s developmental needs, its considered serious abuse. It conveys to children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, and unwanted. Or, that they’re only of value if they’re meeting another’s needs.
Not only does emotional abuse cause low self-esteem, but it impacts the trajectory of our life. We are more likely to suffer anxiety, depression, and PTSD, and get involved with abusive partners.
Long-term emotional abuse has the potential to make us feel our needs don’t matter as much as everyone else’s, which only further fuels the codependent behaviors of ignoring our own boundaries. The people pleasing cycle keeps us locked into unhealthy relationships with abusive people. Yet, we are so used to not having our needs met, often from neglectful childhoods, that we don’t even realize we’re being abused.
Nevertheless, roughly 36% of the population has suffered from emotional abuse, so here’s what to look out for.
Types of psychological & emotional abuse
1. Emotional invalidation
Dismissing, rejecting, judging, and or ignoring your thoughts, feelings and emotions. This can sound like, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” “That’s not true,” “You’re too sensitive,” or, “I don’t see the problem. That’s not my reality.”
2. Disrespecting and/or ignoring your boundaries
Violating your personal space, reading your personal journal or diary, going through your phone or emails, showing up, using your stuff, getting into your accounts, finances, etc.
3. Manipulative behaviors
Deceitful tactics to control, dominate, use, or exploit you. Some examples of manipulation tactics include:
- Playing mind games: The purpose is to confuse or disorient you.
- Guilt tripping or playing the victim: Making you feel responsible for their actions or like you need to save, fix, or help them.
- Love bombing: Showering you with love, attention and care, then withdrawing, devaluing and desugaring you.
- Silent treatment: Refusing to communicate as a form of punishment, stonewalling, hoovering.
4. Gaslighting
Denying specific events, arguments, or situations ever happened, making you question your memory and sanity. This can look like:
- Denying reality: They straight up deny it happened even though you know it did.
- Minimizing your feelings: Telling you you’re overreacting, “too dramatic,” etc.
- Projecting blame: Shifting the blame by refusing to accept accountability.
- Withholding information: Keeping you in the dark about important matters intentionally to keep control.
- Cheating: To deliberately cause you anguish or make you jealous, and lying about it.
- Alligator tears: Fake crying to illicit a response or redirect the narrative.
5. Stonewalling
Refusing to engage, communicate, reach out, or resolve conflicts to maintain control and/or punish. This can look like:
- Ignoring: Purposely ignoring you and refusing to respond or acknowledge your presence.
- Shutting down: Refusing to discuss anything with you, including the problem or addressing the concerns.
- Avoidance: Physically, mentally, or emotionally avoiding you to create emotional distance.
- Withholding: Denying affection or acknowledgment; refusing to meet your needs.
6. Verbal abuse
Using words to belittle, demean, or control you. For example:
- Making jokes: At your expense.
- Humiliation: Ridicule, name-calling, public humiliation.
- Derogatory names: Insults.
- Threats, yelling or shouting: Raising their voice to intimidate or frighten you.
- Constant criticism: Continually finding fault with you; trying to make you feel worthless.
- Body shaming: Picking at or making comments about your appearance
7. Overprotection
Mistaken for caring, overprotection can be a form of psychological abuse that involves excessive control.
8. Actively working to turn others against you
- Intentionally withholding information.
- Pretending to care about you but working against you.
- Jealous behavior.
- Trying to undermine you, slow down your growth, or otherwise hold you back.
- Telling others lies about you or working with others to try to hinder, harm, or make you jealous.
9. Dismissiveness
- Treating you like you’re inferior.
- Intimidation, coercion, bullying, and harassment.
- Refusing to be there for you when you need help.
- Disrespecting or ignoring boundaries.
- Blaming you for their problems.
- Trivializing your feelings.
The takeaway
Here’s the thing: this isn’t just your ex or your current partner, father, or mother-in-law—it’s an energy. This righteous, neglectful, “my needs are more important than yours,” controlling, selfish, manipulative energy is a consciousness. It is a type of energy that festers in society and gets passed on subconsciously throughout generations.
This selfish, abusive, complete disregard for other human life is impacting our mental, physical, and spiritual growth. And the only way to stop it is to be aware and refuse to allow it.
Written by Shannon Kaiser
References:
(1) https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9407574
(2) https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7683637
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