Why do I feel like I’m always being tested?
Do you feel pressure to prove your loyalty? Does it seem as though no matter how much you give, it’s never quite enough?
I know that feeling. I recognized that I was being tested. But instead of asking whether the relationship felt right for me, I focused on proving that I was lovable, loyal, and someone who could be trusted.
I believed that if I showed enough compassion, the connection would become the relationship I could see in its potential. So I gave more. I explained things away. I kept trying.
Looking back, I can see how often I noticed my discomfort and then talked myself out of listening to it. I wanted to show this person that there were people who could love them and be trusted. In the process, I kept overlooking how I was being treated.
These are the interactions I’m referring to as relationship “shit tests”: moments that appear designed to gauge how much inconvenience, discomfort, or disrespect you’ll tolerate to stay connected. Put plainly, how much shit you’ll put up with to prove your loyalty.
In this personal episode of She Saves Herself, I share what these experiences taught me about narcissistic relationship dynamics, boundary testing, and the pressure to earn someone’s respect.
Through stories from dating and friendship, I walk through five patterns I wish I had taken more seriously:
- Small favors that repeatedly inconvenience you. Requests that keep asking you to rearrange your time or put your own needs aside.
- Flirting that appears intended to provoke a reaction. Moments when someone seems to be watching how you respond to feeling uncomfortable or jealous.
- Repeated last-minute cancellations. A pattern of expecting you to accommodate changing plans with little consideration for your time.
- Suspected fake accounts and loyalty checks. Intrusive messages that made me question whether I was being monitored or tested.
- Money stories that draw you into rescuing. Recurring conversations about financial hardship that leave you feeling responsible for helping or covering more.
A favor, a canceled plan, or a conversation about money can be ordinary. An unfamiliar message doesn’t establish who sent it. What deserves your attention is the broader pattern, including how someone responds when you express discomfort or set a boundary.
For me, giving the benefit of the doubt began to cost me my peace. I was investing in someone’s potential while explaining away their repeated behavior. The more I focused on proving my goodness, the harder it became to ask whether the connection offered mutual care.
In the episode, I talk about that difference between potential and behavior, the discomfort I kept dismissing, and why caring deeply about someone doesn’t mean you have to keep abandoning yourself to stay connected.
I invite you to notice how you’re being treated. Are your boundaries respected? Does the relationship make room for your needs, too? You can take your discomfort seriously while looking carefully at the facts.
You can be compassionate and still choose yourself. Being easygoing does not mean ignoring your own discomfort.
Reminder: this is the relationship test you don’t need to pass. You don’t have to keep proving your loyalty to deserve love and respect.
Listen to the episode here → Listen Now
For anyone who has ever helped someone they loved, only to feel blindsided by betrayal this one is for you.
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